Until the last 9 days, I could count on my fingers how many times I cried. I have always had emotions, they just didn’t come with tears. The last two times that I can recall were from my fear from love. The first was saying my vows to April. My fear was loving someone so much. I said that she was my heaven. I had had so many relationship chapters in my life, and all the relationships led me to my wedding day. In April I found my heaven. Is it mushy? Absolutely. But guess what? I have Cancer, and I am officially a mushball. I cried because I feared loving April so much. That it was to good to be true. But love shouldn’t be feared.
The other time I cried is when Brandon my son moved from San Diego to Rocklin. I never knew fear and love until I had Brandon. I felt sadness because I felt I had failed a bit. I felt that because of myself not making every perfect decision, the one thing I loved most was no longer 15 minutes away. I have so much love for Brandon and I want to see him grow up to be the very best version of himself. I no longer have tears from this either. Instead I understand that it is exactly what it should be.
Everything leads us to where we are. We get to choose whether to accept it or feel bad for ourselves. I will keep pushing to make my life as fulfilled as possible, but by accepting my life for exactly what it is, I have found happiness in everything.
So the flood gates have indeed opened. I have over 7 different types of cries these days. The first days of my diagnosis, I will admit, I cried out of fear and anger. Those cries just didn’t help me at all and are now completely gone. They won’t be returning again. Those are tears of suffering and fear. They stop life from moving forward. They paralyze you and make you forget the real truth of happiness.
Instead, I have been getting hit with overwhelming tears of joy, love, togetherness, graciousness, and appreciation for literally everything. I’ll give a few examples. My company isn’t just a business where I want to make a buck. It is part of my mark. It is me. Its a part of what makes me exist. Creating memories for people, connecting people through photographs. My business is 15 years of endless hours, figuring out how to make it work, grow, and evolve while staying heartfelt and honest as a company. It is my baby.
Seeing my team at True Photography become a real family and working together makes me cry literally right now as I write. I can see how much everyone really cares. The individuals that I assembled in True I realize all share common traits. They are genuine, real, honest, thoughtful and take pride in themselves and everyone around them. Their hearts are gold. Everyone is so different, with different lives, but share these ingredients.
I love you, Team True. You’re not my employees. You’re not my friends. You are my family and I love you so much. You bring me peace and hope. You bring me faith and trust. I believe in you.
I cry because I see people talking more. Sharing more. Taking a step back for a moment to reflect. Putting everyday things on pause and taking a time out to think of me. I’m humbled. I now know how much I matter to people and that gives me purpose. We need to tell each other more how we really feel.
I cry because of all the people that have donated because they love me. I cry because people I don’t know or haven’t talked to in 20-plus years have come out to say hello in one way or another. There are people in my past and childhood that I think about, and I have always wondered what place I held in their memories. Now I know. Even when you don’t talk to someone for years, you still matter. You still shaped each others’ lives in some way that got you to being who you are today. We all matter.
I cry because my family and friends would go to the end of the earth for me. I feel I can call on anyone if I need a hand, no questions asked. This world that I am in is truly good. My faith is restored. We want to be good and happy. We want to make each other happy. We just get confused sometimes when opinions are different.
I now know what happiness is. It is each other. It is being able to see each other, touch each other, play together, laugh together and just be together.
I cry because I can write this all down. I can feel my body, I can touch, talk, and feel.
But here is what I won’t cry about. I won’t cry about having Cancer. I won’t cry because of the pain I am in, or lack of energy. I’m not going to cry from vomiting, or because I can’t go outside. Im not going to cry because I can’t play baseball, or I can’t work. I’m not going to cry because I have to endure this for the next two and a half years. I’m not going to cry because literally life as I know it has changed. I’m not going to cry for everything that I can’t have or don’t have. I am not going to cry about what has been taken away from me. WHAT FOR? That would be crying from fear and anger and what will that do??? It will paralyze me.
I have 2 challenges of the day for all of you. No more crying from fear or anger. Don’t allow yourself to get paralyzed. We all have crap that happens to us. It won’t stop. Whatever you want to call it… The crap, the shit, the unfortunate circumstance, the why did this happen to me garbage… Take a time out and remember what life is all about like I am right now. You will only find joy. Don’t cry because of money, losing a house, stress at home, a bad fight, don’t cry for the unknown of what is ahead. Don’t cry out of fear. Trust the world to work as it will. If you’re going to cry, cry because the overwhelming opportunity to feel, touch, smell, and share stories with someone you love.
Challenge 2. I have officially opened up my love gates. If you love me, let me know. I will do the same. P.S. If you’re reading my blog, I love you ;) So now you know. We need to tell each other more how much we love each other. Be inappropriate. Who cares. You love someone at work, let them know. You love the Chipotle guy because he gave you double the guacamole for still only $1.80, let him know. Tell the people you love that you love them. Tomorrow or this weekend, find two people that you don’t normally say you love, but in actuality you really do. And just say I love you. Don’t explain it, don’t fear it. Just say I love you to those you care about. If you’re not ready to say it in person, or you want to let everyone in on how you feel, say it on my comment wall. There are 700 something people that have read this blog. Let’s have a moment where we just make each other feel good.
Me getting Cancer is not a tragedy. It is not something to feel sad for. It isn’t something that is OMG awful that happened to poor Aaron. If you’re going to cry for me or this Cancer, make sure it is the right kind of cry. Because there is one thing that I am sure of. Cancer will not beat me and will be my biggest accomplishment yet. It already is heading that way. I’m already a more complete person and I feel others around me being more fullfilled as well. Lets all find the good in everything. Even in this Cancer that I am battling. I love you all from every part of my soul. I cry amazing tears for you tonight, and all that you have given to me in my life. I have never been more alive.