Cancer Cocky

Hello my friends. Several weeks ago, I remember a nurse bringing up a wheelchair to take me for radiology tests. I told her thanks, but no thanks, I am perfectly capable of walking. I won’t need a chair throughout this process. I am way too strong physically and mentally. I won’t let it come to that.

I will fully admit now that I came into this Cancer cocky, out of pure ignorance. Cancer and the treatment of Cancer is sooooooo powerful. The battle continues, and it is a big battle. I am beyond humbled.

I will lay out a few funny facts (maybe some are not so funny) of where I’m at today.

  1. I weigh 150 pounds. That’s almost 50 pounds of rapid weight loss. I look like a living ‘bodies’ exhibit where they show off the human bones.
  2. My butt, which was never all that great, is officially gone. It looks like I have a super long back with a crack at the end.
  3. I was sitting on the toilet seat yesterday and thought the seat was extra hard and uncomfortable. That is when I realized that my entire ass was in the seat, rather than on it.
  4. I saw an old lady at the Cancer treatment center with a walker. It had two tennis balls on the end. I imagined nudging her to the side and stealing it. The walker looked so comforting and supportive. I know, that isn’t such a nice thought, but I’m being honest.
  5. When I try to eat, no matter how hungry I am, it feels like I just ate a full meal. My stomach is growling but my brain doesn’t want it. I am trying to push through this.
  6. Crying, oh my….. When did I become a pregnant lady watching the movie Beaches? I cry at least once a day. I’m all out of whack. My mind and body are going through craziness every day, and I’m pumped full of strong meds. I cry out of confusion, mixed with a little “what the fu#k, how is this happening?” It does feel kind of good though. Sometimes I just let a tear drip way too far down my face. I think it adds nice drama when it goes down my nose.
  7. Waking up is definitely different. When I woke up this morning, I was prepared to conquer the world. Five minutes later, I was in bed, ready for my morning siesta.
  8. Sometimes, my voice gets so weak that I have to wait to exhale before I speak. I literally run out of voice energy.
  9. There is not one moment where I feel close to normal. I thought there would be breaks. But there are none. Even right now, my fingers tingle, my feet are slightly numb and my stomach is churning. In my present state, this is considered comfortable.

Again, I am not writing this to be a downer or negative. There are just moments where no matter what I want to feel, there are not-so-great thoughts that enter in. I have so much guilt inside of me. I try to use all of my positive techniques, as I understand that getting Cancer is not my fault. But the reality of Cancer is that everyone close to me also suffers.

I feel so bad for April. I never know whether it is going to be an hour at the hospital or five hours. So there is a lot of waiting. Her days are spent taking me to and from the hospital and making me food. Watching me in pain, kind of melting away. We can’t vacation, go out to dinner, have a romantic evening, go to a movie etc. It just sucks for her. I want to make her happy as a husband but simply don’t have the energy to do even the simple things. More children are out of the question for a while too, as I can’t be this sick and help raise a family.

I feel bad for my parents. They are retired, and should be enjoying the fruit of their labors. They worked for 40 years to enjoy retirement, not to take care of me. They should be traveling and just living life. But they can’t now because their son is sick. So they are stuck.

I feel bad for my sister. She is pregnant and should be taking care of herself. But I know this is a lot of added worry and stress in her life. Sometimes she comes over to visit, and I don’t feel great. So she is coming over to a guy curled up in a blanket, doing nothing. That is so difficult for her to see. We are very close, and I know this brings her sadness. I want to be able to play with her baby G, due in July, but that really won’t be possible.

I feel bad for my friends. I haven’t seen literally anyone in a couple months now. I just can’t. I don’t have the energy at all. It’s tricky enough to get the strength to write on my blog. A surprise visitor would be my nightmare. I can’t fake energy.

Ok. So that is my vent of the day. Is it normal positive me? No. Not really. Has Cancer beat me? Definitely no! Have I thrown in the towel? Big time, no way!! These are just thoughts that run through my head from time to time.

Chemo does much more to your body than make you feel fatigued and somewhat nauseous. It affects every organ. Pacreatitus, high liver count, kidneys not functioning well, low platelets, high heart rate, neutropenia…all these other things pop up. When your blood is clotting, you have to give yourself a shot in the belly twice a day. You have to watch out for this, watch out for that, etc… Thank God I have the best team working with me on my healing.

I am no longer Cancer Cocky. Rather the opposite. I now understand what it takes in order to survive this. It is a whole lot of will power, support, and prayer from all of you. Maybe even a little bit of luck. But I have faith :)

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