I realize I have been blogging less frequently lately. It has been tricky to find the energy and motivation. But it is important to me that I keep sharing my thoughts.
This journey is so surreal. Mentally, I am still young. In my mind, I can go dunk a basketball. But my body instantly became 95 years old. When I sit up quickly, I am reminded how fragile I am right now.
It has been over a week and a half since my last Chemo dose. For the moment, I have much more energy than even just four days ago. To take advantage of this, I flew my ten year old son Brandon in for a last-minute visit. It was the first time I had seen him since being admitted into the hospital, when I began my treatment. I was a bit apprehensive, as he hadn’t seen me so weak physically. That worry was quickly dissolved. He was immediately happy to see me, and very understanding. He really put me at ease, and just seemed to get it.
Although I wasn’t able to play catch, or run around with him as normal, we found ways to have a great time. For example, I sat in a chair on the sidewalk with an old CD case, while he went 50 feet away. He bowled a tennis ball toward the CD case, trying to get it to land inside. Then, using a device resembling a dog throwing toy, I launched the ball back to him. We did that for a good two hours. Afterwards, he made paper airplanes and did some origami. We saw a couple movies together, and chatted about his life and mine. I actually even found the energy to go down to the Bay, and watch him fly a kite with my family. It felt nice.
Every parent believes that their kid is the most amazing ever. With that said… I really have an absolutely amazing son. He still has that innocence and wants to cuddle with dad, but at the same time, completely understands the battle I am facing. He is so accepting about my position. He has never complained or pushed me to do more. I love my life and have plenty to fight for, but I will tell you what…. I have to see what Brandon develops into as a young adult, and a working professional someday. I am so curious. What path will he choose in life?
I found a new thing to do that I love. I think that I will do this even when I am healthy. I lay on my back near a tree. Then I just watch the tree sway back and forth in the wind. I did this for a few hours the other day. I found myself remembering different chapters in my life. At first, I would start out with snapshot memories of my childhood. But as I lay there, and was opened up memories in my mind, I started filling in the blanks. I was able to recall so many details from my neighborhood, and my growing up years. It was very peaceful.
Having this Cancer has definitely forced me to slow down a lot. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have my normally energy back, and to be more physically capable. But even after I am past this chapter in my life, I am going to take more time to sit and reflect. Thinking backwards slows down the crazy pace of daily life, and gives more meaning to this moment, right now.