I find that good days are so much simpler in my mind than they used to be. Today was a good day. I woke up :) I was able to go outside for the first time in over a week with my wife April, my sister Shosh, and my brother-in-law Brian. I had an appetite, the strength to do a little exercise, and the ability to chill with people I love.
I will have up and down body days. So I appreciate it being a good one today.
I have become Neutropenic, which means my white cell count is at a .8 It was at 9 the other day. Basically, I officially have no immune system. Neutropenia results from heavy doses of Chemo. It is normal. With Cancer, your body never feels close to normal. But there becomes a new normal that you just adjust to. During these times, I just need to have very little company and stay in my room the entire time. I’m glad I have a laptop.
It’s strange watching TV now. It really makes me laugh when I see all of the vanity infomercials. The ‘modern miracle skin rejuvenation.’ It all seems like a joke even more than ever now. I can’t help but look at all the healthy people who don’t realize how good they actually have it. Health is such a blessing.
You always see the Cancer commercials. But it is always them. Not me. It is such a strange feeling to be the other guy. But I now see that it is any of us.
It also feels strange now when I hear about someone who died from a long battle with Cancer. I was just watching the news about Stuart Scott (the ESPN News anchor). As well as comedian Taylor Negron. My heart goes out to their families. When you have Cancer, the entire family has it. Everybody goes through it. I am beginning to understand more and more what the families have been through over the years. What sacrifices they have had to make.
Staring at the reality of Cancer doesn’t scare me, though. It motivates me to keep writing, thinking, and connecting. I find myself thinking much more about what I have, versus what I don’t have.
In the past, I focused so much on what I didn’t have yet. For example, I didn’t have as many wedding bookings as I wanted, so I didn’t yet have the money to buy the house I was after. I put valuable time into thinking about big things and little things I didn’t have. But concentrating on what you don’t have brings misery. We have more than we know by simply being healthy.
Now, when my brain starts drifting towards what I don’t have, my goal is to tell myself to shut the f up. My entire focus now is on what I do have. I have a whole lot of love coming my way. It has filled me up and made me full of joy. Let’s keep it rolling!
More random thoughts…. I was thinking about Facebook today. I am by no means anti-Facebook. It really does connect everyone to each other. But I’ve noticed that by being so connected, there is a major disconnect. It connects us so well that we don’t have to call each other anymore to know what happened over the weekend. We click a button instead and read a status update. It makes it so easy to be lazy. I am the first to be guilty of that.
My personal goal over time is to pick up the phone more to say hi, and to send more emails from the heart. I won’t always have the energy to write or talk, but that is one of my new goals in 2015.