OMG. Was that a fart or did I just shart?

If you have a weak stomach, you may want to skip this post. But I want to share all the humility that comes with this process.

When I was a little kid, and was learning how to poop on my own, my parents would say WOW in encouragement each time. So I used to tell my parents that I needed to go take a Wow. Last night, I rediscovered my wow. Wow oh wow oh wow!! WOW.

The chemo I am on can cause major constipation. So after 14 meals, with no Wow to show for it, they said, “we are going to have to give your body a little extra motivation.” I had to drink a maple syrup solution every two hours. Syrup sounds yummy until you are drinking it on rotation. Eight hours and four of these cocktails later, it began. The storm started brewing. My stomach made sounds that I had never heard before. I could feel the swirl. The tornado from within. I knew I was going to meet my biggest Wow yet.

I sat down on the toilet and let out a fart that I would time at being at least 35-40 seconds long. There was no pause in-between.  Or was it a fart??? Nope… it was indeed a shart. For those that don’t know what a shart is, here is the urban definition: “a small, unintended defecation that occurs when one relaxes the anal sphincter to fart.”

I was in trouble. Big trouble. I literally could not tell whether I had to fart or shart. I was stuck. I would go back to my bed, feel a rumble, run to the bathroom, and… nothing but a fart. Head back to my bed, feel a new rumble, go back to the bathroom, and… out came a shart.

This confusion eventually let to four straight hours on the toilet. No exaggeration at all, I was on the toilet from 8:00 pm to 12:00 am. I was officially making mud castles and could not stop for four hours. They were no longer farts or sharts.  It was an out of body WOW experience. At one time my left butt cheek completely fell asleep. I had to lean in different angles. My left calf cramped up. It felt a bit like the scene out of Dumb and Dumber, but times a hundred.

A couple of hours in, the nurse came in and said to make sure not to flush, because they wanted to see it. So I had to sit among the ever growing mud castle. Am I traumatized? Yeah. I will admit it. Never in my life have I experienced anything close to this.

I have been talking a lot about the simplicity of happiness. Sometimes it is just taking a good solid WOW.

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