Updates

Monday, I had a bone marrow biopsy, which I will describe in detail. It isn’t horrible but it definitely isn’t my favorite. For those that get the heebie jeebies, you may want to skip this paragraph.

To perform a bone marrow biopsy, they have you lay on your stomach. They put a long needle in your backbone, near your hip. Although the needle is intended to numb the area, it first needs to reach the bone, which takes some effort. Once the needle is in position, they take another tool that I can best describe as an apple core peeler. They kind of wind and twist their way until they reach the bone, then ask me to blow out air as they extract bone marrow fluid. This part feels like a sudden horse kick from a Clydesdale. A couple of spontaneous profanities flow instantly from my mouth.

After being relieved that it was done, they said, “just two more times.”

When it was really over, I felt slightly abused. But within a half hour or so, it was like it never happened. Just a story to write in my blog. I only describe this because I really want to make sure I always remember the journey. When you feel great, it is easy to forget. But remembering helps to keep you humble.

Last night, I checked in to the hospital for round 1C of my Chemo treatment. This round of chemo is intense. I will be in the hospital for three weeks and have an 80+ percent chance of having nasty sores in my mouth, fevers, strong temporary neurological brain spacing (forgetting the date, names, etc), a very upset stomach and other unknowns. But it is what it is. There are a million ways to look at the same thing. I can run in fear and say “I don’t want to go through this,” or fantasize in my head about all of the ‘what ifs’…. But that just won’t change anything. It will only give major anxiety.

Looking at it another way, I can choose to be excited. When I do get through this next round, It will be one major step closer to my victory. And when I go home, it will be to the house that April and I just rented near the hospital. It has a big backyard, so I am going to do a lot of reading on gardening, and will have a killer garden full of fruits and veggies. I must continue to focus on the positives for my sanity.

I decided to give this hospital thing an alternative mental spin. Let’s start over just for fun. Here it goes :)

Last night, I checked into my all-inclusive resort. It’s absolutely amazing! It is all you can eat and drink, and they bring breakfast, lunch and dinner right to your room. They really wait on you hand and foot. No matter how much you eat, you will probably lose quite a bit of weight on their special Chemo diet that you can only get here. If you need to pee, they don’t make you get up to go to the bathroom. No way… They just give you a plastic container by your bed and say “Use that, I am happy to empty it for you, just page me anytime.” All of the beds recline and incline at a push of a button.

At this all-inclusive, there is always someone checking out your body. The staff may even have you pull your pants down so they can feel your balls for a few minutes. Surprisingly, your wife will actually appreciate it, and maybe even thank them for the extra care. To top it off, get this… It’s all free. Thats right, your insurance company is happy to cover this trip for you as long as you have coverage. They even say that you can go back every couple of weeks. What a place!! Amazing!!

This Sunday, I will be going back into the hospital for another round of chemo. This is a big one, and I’m sure will be full of drama. So they are making a movie starring Brad Pitt as my lookalike actor. I hope you enjoy the movie poster, above ;) Thank you to my producer Billy for putting this together. Ha!

I have been feeling great this past week. This is the most energy that I have had since getting diagnosed. I even got to go into the office the other day to see the team. It was so great to go back and hang for a couple of hours. I wanted to wait until I was healthy enough. It is nice to know that I can recover after getting zapped.

It is still the simple things that I really appreciate. Instead of laying down, I can sit up and watch TV. I can pour myself orange juice – until recently, I needed help with that. I cooked myself a burrito the other day. Right now, I am sitting at my desk, rather than laying flat and trying to type with one finger. It has been really nice. I took all these things for granted before.

This next chemo will be one of the biggest that I will undergo throughout this process. I will be confined to my hospital room for about three weeks. The people that come in and out will need sanitary jackets and masks. They will be constantly monitoring my levels to make sure that I am ok.

There are a lot of potential side effects that come with this next dose. There is a high probability of high fevers, mouth sores, liver and kidney issues, etc… So am I nervous? Yes. Am I excited? Yes. I am excited get past these next three weeks. I am ready to fight through the challenges that I am sure to face. I know my body will once again be very weak, but I am now much more optimistic. I have seen firsthand how hard the body works to heal itself.

I also want to put a very good word out to my neighbor Bob. I have known him since I was born. At one point, he was my baseball coach. He is a great person, with love and support from his wife Diane and two sons. He just underwent a Quintuple bypass surgery. I didn’t even know it went up that high. His surgery was successful, but for all those out there who pray, I ask you to put out a prayer for my friend and neighbor for a quick and healthy recovery.

If you don’t see a blog post for a couple weeks, please know that I am fine and just fighting through the next round. I wish you all a very happy rest of the week.

A couple nights ago, I sat down for dinner, and began to feel nauseous. I couldn’t eat my food. My family was looking at me with their normal concern. I excused myself from the table, took some nausea medicine, and decided to lie down for thirty minutes so the medicine could kick in.

As I lay down, I started to feel sorry for myself, but quickly decided that was a waste of time. I put on Pandora instead, and played the Greg Laswell station. As the songs played, I went down memory lane. Chapters started again opening up in my head that had been closed for so long.

I started thinking about how different life was for me at nineteen. I was amazed at all the details that rushed back into my brain. I suddenly remembered who I was at that time, and how I felt and thought. I missed that guy a bit.

Nineteen was a time before having a kid, experiencing love, having a “real job,” becoming an adult, and having huge responsibilities. I’m not saying it was a better time of life. It isn’t a time where I say to myself, “man, I wish it was then instead of now.” I love my family, my job and my life. It isn’t about that at all. It is just a time of life that has been hidden in my mind for a long time. Years have rolled by and it has sat temporarily forgotten.

At nineteen, I was in Junior College, working at 1-Hour Moto Foto in Pacific Beach. That was pretty much it. I wasn’t yet thinking of marriage or children. I wasn’t building a corporation yet. I didn’t have people that depended on me. I had virtually no responsibilities other than paying my rent: $375 a month for my half. I was sharing a one-bedroom place with a friend of mine, and each week we would trade off possession of the only bed. The other person would sleep on the couch, which we bought at the swap meet for twenty dollars (yes it was gross).

At the time, I had goals, but they didn’t define me so much. I really was living life and enjoying it. During that time, it was all about my friendships. Every weekend was spent with friends, just enjoying each other’s company. We would have bonfires on Fiesta Island, and hang out at each other’s crappy apartments, where everything was second hand. We would go to Java Joe’s (coffee shop in OB) to listen to music, and I would play chess with Wolpoff (my best buddy).

About once a month, we would head down to Puerto Nuevo in Mexico. We would first go to this boat-shaped restaurant overlooking a cliff, and indulge in guacamole and chips while drinking a bucket of Cerveza. We would then go to a place called Lobster Camp, and enjoy the ocean views while eating lobster for under ten bucks.

Back at my apartment, friends would basically just show up. If nothing else was going on, we would go to the beach or barbecue. Plans would somehow form.

That summer, I decided it would be fun to take off to Japan. So I saved up enough for a flight and some entertainment and just left. In Japan, I traveled all over the place for a couple months by myself. There was very little preparation. I left my Moto Foto job, and said “see you in a couple months.” It was that easy.

I realize and understand that life has to change. The reality is that we have more responsibilities now. We have families to look after, and bills to pay. We have retirement to plan for, and kids’ college to save for. At nineteen, I didn’t really know what “being and adult” meant.

When I graduated college in 2000, I changed in a good way, and maybe also not the best way. I completely abandoned all balance. I dove into my company. For the next 10-plus years I worked 100-hour weeks. I was on a mission.

Now, just hearing that I worked 100-hour weeks and understanding what that meant are two very different things. Six to seven days a week, I worked from when I woke up until 2:00 am. It didn’t feel like work because I truly loved it. I still love it. But time and life moved fast. I didn’t see friends as much, and those relationships didn’t stay as strong. I didn’t see my family as much. I became one-dimensional.

When I was doing something other than my work, I was there but not always present. I was thinking about my next project or what I had to accomplish. The good part of this is that I got a lot done. Maybe that is what it takes to get to the next level. But it has now been fifteen years since I started True, and feels like it happened in a blink.

When I have beaten and survived this Cancer, my goal is to have balance and be present. I really want to bring back some elements of the nineteen-year version of myself. I was fun and carefree. I want to maintain and grow my friendships. I don’t want to live for my work. I want to work to live. I want my company to support my family and would love to see it continue to grow organically. But I want to enjoy the people around me much more.

I want to leave my responsibilities a little more, and just play a bit. I want to not just focus on getting somewhere, but be exactly where I’m at. I want to continue taking time to reflect.

I used to have the philosophy that looking back was a waste of time. I believed that the past was in the past for a reason, and concentrated on moving forward. I have changed my mind on this philosophy. Reflecting keeps you in touch with your core, and helps you move forward in the right direction. Looking back helps you remember who you were, and helps you understand what makes you truly happy.

Cancer is my current job title. Chemo is my best friend but can sometimes feel like it wants to kill me. Solitude is when I have uninterrupted focus on all my hopes and fears, and can’t ignore my reality.

Ultimately, I love being with people. I love chatting, sharing stories, and having company. But solitude can be an important gut check sometimes. It is the only way to really face my thoughts. I am optimistic of my future, but I am scared. I just want to live so bad. I am such a curious person and want to see what will come from my life, and from everyone else’s life. I have so much exploring to do. I have so much to see.

When I’m alone, I think about what really matters to me. I do like the person I was two months ago and before that, but I have different goals now. They have evolved, yet have been simplified. All I really care about now is health and love. I have changed.

My energy has really been great lately, and has grown exponentially over the past ten days. I regained ten of the 48 pounds I lost in the first two months. The pain in my stomach went away. My body is creating red blood cells again, which means I may not have to rely as much on blood transfusions. The transfusion I last had was really helpful, and put oxygen in my head. My liver numbers, which had been way too high to begin Chemo, have stabilized. I’m weak of course, but much better.

After a few good days, it was hard to prepare for the symptoms that come with treatment, which I resumed yesterday. I underwent a 15-minute IV bag of chemo, then a 24-hour straight Chemo bag, then a 12-hour bag, then a 20-minute bag. I was also given three Chemo pills. Since I couldn’t go any further than the IV, it gave me a lot of time to think again.

The process is like having a very bad flu, except that when you finally recover, they then say, “Great news, you’re healthy enough for the flu again!” Although the process is rough, the fact that I am strong enough for Chemo is definitely great news. And I’ve seen that my body can recover from the treatment. So when I reach a low point again, I can remember the past ten days and how strong I’ve been.

In the past, I had the classic nerd syndrome, with so much I wanted to prove to everybody. I always had a secret vision of showing up to a high school reunion, super buff, with a huge multi million dollar company. My dream was to overhear people whisper, “Wow, is that Aaron Feldman? I used to make fun of how skinny that guy was, and how he always walked around with a camera.” But I’ve realized that people don’t really care about how huge my company gets, or how outwardly successful I am. The only person I need to define success to is myself.

Of course, I want my business to continue growing and thriving. With so much love and dedication from the people who support me, I believe it will. True Photography has been such an amazing part of me, and will continue to be. We create memories that people will have forever through the generations. That isn’t a plug, rather a reminder of what inspired me to create my company in the first place. I wanted it to be my mark in the world. But along with the growth, I want to stay committed to the roots of what made us great in the first place. I really want to concentrate on enriching the lives of the clients we do have, rather than just pushing for clients that don’t yet exist.  Most importantly, I want to see everyone happy.

If I were to die (not happening anytime soon), I wouldn’t want people to just think of me me as the guy that always worked. I want to close my computer more. Being forced to be off of my computer has taught me to chill out a bit. I need to pull back a little more often from my extreme, from my multitasking ways of watching TV while G-chatting and sending emails and eating simultaniously. I need to shut it all down and just be where I am, rather than in five places at once. I want to enjoy exactly what is in front of me: my amazing wife, son, friends, and family. That is my true happy.

I realize I have been blogging less frequently lately. It has been tricky to find the energy and motivation. But it is important to me that I keep sharing my thoughts.

This journey is so surreal. Mentally, I am still young. In my mind, I can go dunk a basketball. But my body instantly became 95 years old. When I sit up quickly, I am reminded how fragile I am right now.

It has been over a week and a half since my last Chemo dose. For the moment, I have much more energy than even just four days ago. To take advantage of this, I flew my ten year old son Brandon in for a last-minute visit. It was the first time I had seen him since being admitted into the hospital, when I began my treatment. I was a bit apprehensive, as he hadn’t seen me so weak physically.  That worry was quickly dissolved. He was immediately happy to see me, and very understanding. He really put me at ease, and just seemed to get it.

Although I wasn’t able to play catch, or run around with him as normal, we found ways to have a great time. For example, I sat in a chair on the sidewalk with an old CD case, while he went 50 feet away. He bowled a tennis ball toward the CD case, trying to get it to land inside. Then, using a device resembling a dog throwing toy, I launched the ball back to him. We did that for a good two hours. Afterwards, he made paper airplanes and did some origami. We saw a couple movies together, and chatted about his life and mine. I actually even found the energy to go down to the Bay, and watch him fly a kite with my family. It felt nice.

Every parent believes that their kid is the most amazing ever. With that said… I really have an absolutely amazing son. He still has that innocence and wants to cuddle with dad, but at the same time, completely understands the battle I am facing. He is so accepting about my position. He has never complained or pushed me to do more. I love my life and have plenty to fight for, but I will tell you what…. I have to see what Brandon develops into as a young adult, and a working professional someday. I am so curious. What path will he choose in life?

I found a new thing to do that I love. I think that I will do this even when I am healthy. I lay on my back near a tree. Then I just watch the tree sway back and forth in the wind. I did this for a few hours the other day. I found myself remembering different chapters in my life. At first, I would start out with snapshot memories of my childhood. But as I lay there, and was opened up memories in my mind, I started filling in the blanks. I was able to recall so many details from my neighborhood, and my growing up years. It was very peaceful.

Having this Cancer has definitely forced me to slow down a lot. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have my normally energy back, and to be more physically capable. But even after I am past this chapter in my life, I am going to take more time to sit and reflect. Thinking backwards slows down the crazy pace of daily life, and gives more meaning to this moment, right now.

Hello my friends. Several weeks ago, I remember a nurse bringing up a wheelchair to take me for radiology tests. I told her thanks, but no thanks, I am perfectly capable of walking. I won’t need a chair throughout this process. I am way too strong physically and mentally. I won’t let it come to that.

I will fully admit now that I came into this Cancer cocky, out of pure ignorance. Cancer and the treatment of Cancer is sooooooo powerful. The battle continues, and it is a big battle. I am beyond humbled.

I will lay out a few funny facts (maybe some are not so funny) of where I’m at today.

1. I weigh 150 pounds. That’s almost 50 pounds of rapid weight loss. I look like a living ‘bodies’ exhibit where they show off the human bones.
2. My butt, which was never all that great, is officially gone. It looks like I have a super long back with a crack at the end.
3. I was sitting on the toilet seat yesterday and thought the seat was extra hard and uncomfortable. That is when I realized that my entire ass was in the seat, rather than on it.
4. I saw an old lady at the Cancer treatment center with a walker. It had two tennis balls on the end. I imagined nudging her to the side and stealing it. The walker looked so comforting and supportive. I know, that isn’t such a nice thought, but I’m being honest.
5. When I try to eat, no matter how hungry I am, it feels like I just ate a full meal. My stomach is growling but my brain doesn’t want it. I am trying to push through this.
6. Crying, oh my….. When did I become a pregnant lady watching the movie Beaches? I cry at least once a day. I’m all out of whack. My mind and body are going through craziness every day, and I’m pumped full of strong meds. I cry out of confusion, mixed with a little “what the fu#k, how is this happening?” It does feel kind of good though. Sometimes I just let a tear drip way too far down my face. I think it adds nice drama when it goes down my nose.
7. Waking up is definitely different. When I woke up this morning, I was prepared to conquer the world. Five minutes later, I was in bed, ready for my morning siesta.
8. Sometimes, my voice gets so weak that I have to wait to exhale before I speak. I literally run out of voice energy.
9. There is not one moment where I feel close to normal. I thought there would be breaks. But there are none. Even right now, my fingers tingle, my feet are slightly numb and my stomach is churning. In my present state, this is considered comfortable.

Again, I am not writing this to be a downer or negative. There are just moments where no matter what I want to feel, there are not-so-great thoughts that enter in. I have so much guilt inside of me. I try to use all of my positive techniques, as I understand that getting Cancer is not my fault. But the reality of Cancer is that everyone close to me also suffers.

I feel so bad for April. I never know whether it is going to be an hour at the hospital or five hours. So there is a lot of waiting. Her days are spent taking me to and from the hospital and making me food. Watching me in pain, kind of melting away. We can’t vacation, go out to dinner, have a romantic evening, go to a movie etc. It just sucks for her. I want to make her happy as a husband but simply don’t have the energy to do even the simple things. More children are out of the question for a while too, as I can’t be this sick and help raise a family.

I feel bad for my parents. They are retired, and should be enjoying the fruit of their labors. They worked for 40 years to enjoy retirement, not to take care of me. They should be traveling and just living life. But they can’t now because their son is sick. So they are stuck.

I feel bad for my sister. She is pregnant and should be taking care of herself. But I know this is a lot of added worry and stress in her life. Sometimes she comes over to visit, and I don’t feel great. So she is coming over to a guy curled up in a blanket, doing nothing. That is so difficult for her to see. We are very close, and I know this brings her sadness. I want to be able to play with her baby G, due in July, but that really won’t be possible.

I feel bad for my friends. I haven’t seen literally anyone in a couple months now. I just can’t. I don’t have the energy at all. It’s tricky enough to get the strength to write on my blog. A surprise visitor would be my nightmare. I can’t fake energy.

Ok. So that is my vent of the day. Is it normal positive me? No. Not really. Has Cancer beat me? Definitely no! Have I thrown in the towel? Big time, no way!! These are just thoughts that run through my head from time to time.

Chemo does much more to your body than make you feel fatigued and somewhat nauseous. It affects every organ. Pacreatitus, high liver count, kidneys not functioning well, low platelets, high heart rate, neutropenia…all these other things pop up. When your blood is clotting, you have to give yourself a shot in the belly twice a day. You have to watch out for this, watch out for that, etc… Thank God I have the best team working with me on my healing.

I am no longer Cancer Cocky. Rather the opposite. I now understand what it takes in order to survive this. It is a whole lot of will power, support, and prayer from all of you. Maybe even a little bit of luck. But I have faith :)

As you can see, this video is very different from the last. I am up and walking again. Over the course of the day, I walked one mile in the hallway, hung out with my family, and watched the Super Bowl – all while receiving a thirty-six hour straight treatment of Chemo. I am feeling much improved.

Like every challenge in life, this process will have major hurdles. There will be more of these really down, tough moments where there is simply no relief or recovery time. But eventually the air clears. So what is my learning lesson this week? I have to trust that when things get bad, they will get better. Today is a good day. What will tomorrow bring? Got me….

I’m very grateful to have so many amazing people in my life. Your support fills me up inside. I never realized how many people cared about me. Just know that if I am not replying to your emails or comments, I am most certainly reading them when I can. I just want to make sure that I stay focused on my goal right now beating this Cancer, and don’t get caught up for hours on the computer. But again I really appreciate it, and I love you all.

Also, many of you have offered to come see me in person. I definitely look forward to having company. Right now, though, I need to keep it really simple. I have been restricting visits to my wife, sister and brother-in-law, and my parents. With my health changing so quickly, and my neutropenic levels fluxuating everyday, it is difficult to make visiting plans. Some days I can barely get my voice out, and just want to sleep. At other moments, I am sitting up, and am fine. But in the future I would like to have more of a face to face. I just need to do it at my pace. I will be sure to let you know when I find more of that balance and energy. I miss seeing all your purdy faces ;)

When I started sharing my story, I never knew who I would reach. Turns out that there is another patient here at the hospital who is undergoing the same clinical trial as me. He is a week or two behind. He was really struggling the other day, and coincidentally, his mom tore out my article in the UT for him. Afterwards, he read this blog, and said that it had a positive effect on him even reciting certain sections of it. Which in turn had a very positive effect on me.

I just met him today in the hallway, and instantly knew that he is a good man. I know he has fear. Who wouldn’t? But he also has a big heart, and that same desire to fight this cancer and beat it. He has a very nice wife supporting him and an 11 month old. His first round of treatment didn’t work out successfully like it has for me. So they will need to do alternative methods.

So this is my request. For all of you out there that have been praying for me, I would like to ask that for today, you shift all of those prayers to Pat. For those that don’t pray, just put out positive thoughts for him. Take one minute of your day and take that time out to think of him and his family. Let’s all help fight for him and his family. Today is for you, Pat. Take all that fear and convert it into strength and faith. Have trust in what is. Think only of today and not of tomorrow. Try to find some happiness in today. Its hard to do, but it keeps you sane.

In all of our lives, we won’t find happiness alone. We need support. If you are struggling, stop giving the same old, “oh, everything’s cool, same old same old.” Find someone you can be honest with. By opening up to someone, you can turn months of sadness into just a moment. Happiness comes from each other, and having good shoulders lean on. Let’s all start asking the people we care about how they are doing. Not just a hey, how you doing? More like how is your life going? Are you happy? What can I do to be there for you?

Lets spend more time really listening to each other. Let’s figure out what the people around us need to be truly happy. That way, we can execute a plan to make sure that happiness comes to fruition as quickly as possible.

One final and less serious note. I have decided that when I do beat and survive this Cancer, I am going to eat more Cinnamon Rolls, Doritos, the mini mints that you get in the movie theatre. Reese’s Pieces. I still want to eat what’s good for me, but I will definitely be incorporating those yummy treats at least once or twice a month. I ate waaaaaaaay too healthy before, and need to indulge more often. Especially cinnamon rolls. So yummy. Right now I have to be on a very strict diet, but that is a future plan :) HA.  I love you all.

This is what fighting back is like.

These past three and a half days have been the biggest challenge I have faced so far. I said something similar in one of my last health updates, but this one takes the cake. Sorry if this is overly detailed, but this is also my journal to reference to when I am Cancer free. I will start off the story by saying I am feeling better today. So not to worry.

When I woke up on Sunday, I knew something wasn’t right. I was having the worst feeling in my stomach. It was a burning, swelling sensation that felt like acid. I couldn’t stand up straight. I waited a minute to see if it would go away, but it didn’t. My parents and I got in the car. It was hospital time.

We only made it a mile before I had to quickly open the door and unleash the beast (vomit). Not a good feeling. The pain got stronger and stronger. As soon as we arrived, I was admitted to the emergency room. They did a CAT scan and found that I had Pancreatitis as a result of the Chemo. There are all different types of Chemos, and my body didn’t respond well to the particular one I was on.

Because of the enlarged pancreas, which causes a ton of pain, they had to drug me up pretty good. I was in the ER for the day, and having trouble pushing words out. I was super weak. As the pain continued to get worse, they admitted me back into the hospital. Apparently I didn’t get quite enough fluids in the ER, which wasn’t anyone’s fault, just the situation at hand. So now I was fighting the effects of the Chemo, pancreatitis, major dehydration and a heart rate of 160.

Monday was basically a very painful blur. I remember it, but could not really tell day from night. I was just sleeping, and rolling around trying to fight through this. It was all very confusing and frustrating.

Unfortunately, the only way to fight pancreatitis is by having no food or liquids until it goes away. So I have gone three full days without eating or drinking anything, which can actually drive you a little bit nuts. I am getting all of my nutrition through an IV. The hospital wound up going from one-liter IV to a full gallon yesterday. So I’m slowly getting the hydration part back, as well as a very sexy lady’s figure. Just when I thought I was skinny enough…

Late in the day yesterday, I was finally able to have ice chips, but only six or seven pieces. Ice chips are just that – they are pieces of ice. But I will tell you what. They never tasted better in my life. Since I didn’t get nauseous, I graduated to four ounces of Gatorade. Then, finally, the best thing I have ever had in my life: chicken broth. Just water and a little flavor. It tasted so good. I hadn’t had a single drop of anything in three full days. It was amazing.

As of this morning (5:34 am), I am going on my fourth day without actually eating food. I am (and I don’t like this word much) HOPEFUL that today I will be able to have some noodles or something. I really need some food. The swelling has gone down, I can sit up again, and feel a hundred times better than on Sunday.

I have learned that treating Cancer isn’t as simple as going through Chemo, and dealing with the effects. It also involves figuring out which medicines help or hurt your body. Every person is going to react differently to the drugs, and we found one that my body didn’t like, in a big way. It was a major bump in the road, and a pretty scary few days.

But I’m fighting through it, and am ready to go to the next round. Ding Ding.

Tonight my heart and mind lay quiet. My one prayer is that my eyes open again tomorrow. Wants and desires become simple. Just let my eyes open again tomorrow. Let me feel life. Let me share my love.

Tonight I lay thankful to share my bed with my Soul. She sleeps by my side with unconditional love. She breathes with me and for me.  She cries with me and for me. She laughs with me and for me. Our hearts are truly one.

Tonight I am quiet. I’m not up or down. I am at peace with how life works. I understand. I have faith.

Tonight I realize that so many of the answers sit right inside of us. We look so many places to find them, but they are sitting right there, if we just take a little time to look within. We have all been given the key. Every answer also brings an equal amount of mystery. The combination of the two is life. Its the journey.

Tonight I have nothing to fight. Nothing to achieve. Tonight I trust in the way things should be. Tonight I am happy.

Tomorrow I will open my eyes for the new day.